Sudet karmiinista päissään ("wolves drunk on carmine") I don't write anymore. "You will be forever mine though You go as You shall though You diediedie sleep as You shall die I shall love You always" (thence ^ a quote) If one certain girl would have had more confidence I would be dead now With a wide smile on my face Written by a snow leopard called Mr. Winterfuhr Begun in funeralmarch 1007 Ended in julie (20th), same year I am very unhappy. 0. Verte I want a girl who is more intelligent than me Just like she was "Got EVERYTHING I need -1. The Colour of My Crayons except the pudding" Of stone, tree and romance was our treehouse made of - rr (our being the cat's and mine) (see Shade and Sulphur) (and one slight note in The Deep Orange...) Northport to Patchie I already explained to M who so liked it (and saved the explanation) The oldest known reference to suicide is Egyptian, man disputing over suicide... The Annamites, The Tigers of Annam. Theatrical Depression, see multiple meanings of a littlebang - my only poem for once-certain-her. Lovers Cut Together and Canberranean Girl are attached. Some famous suicidal Australian poet (among some death cult) finally got in the Snowy Places. I actually can play chess. Degesch made Zyklon-B. Iskra - see spark, vodka and Lenin. Blood Worn Asunder is already explained to someone in a letter. First Vendemiaire line is her, not me. Chartreuse is the eye colour of Stormy, who is the dark Germanic painter (and the Charcoal Wolf), though not that Germanic. Corpus callosum, left side: logic. Right side: magic. Sodankäynnin Taide is for some hypothetical one... or for the cat. Saving my wrists... I claimed to do things while writing, I did not lie. Misty is a real person, though her name is probably not Misty. Catlike silence is not silence, but guess what. Biathanatos, written by John Donne in 1608. Monera by Haeckel (1834 - 1919). Snow and Thunder were Caused by Tears. Stupid Flowers are for Ela. -2. Stupid Flowers I can't know what you've been told After all, 'tis manifold You might see this differently What if you truly hate me? Perhaps the reason why all went This cold and not more ardent Is that She feared not only me - I might have cared too much to leave We had death plans, had them for long One unplanned thing could've made them wrong So you can blame this winter foo I might have cared too much 'bout you I tried my best to cope somehow I failed, so will you hate me now? Will you kill me or ask me why I might have loved too much to die? (spring 1007) -3. I [club] Cheaters Like this "Fuck me. Fuck your brother. In every way you might possibly want." I poke her I gnaw her arm tasting a bit of meself She shows some heart (in a way) Now that was unstarred I fall on a picture she has painted of me She giggles and strikes minding not if I cheat (I don't) I yelp and rise, surprise, confront (the picture of flowers, but the paint still of me especially now) Rhodium fur, overdose of her and she's all comely I could take more so much I adore and turn her into sick poetry With chrome-green gaze "If you're gonna face me, you will recede" she says with grace and sways her mace, I fend and assail with teeth Nova Sweet medication on her lips The saltysweet k-dur twenty (sweet medication on her hips) Well, durr (Club me, club me phhhlenty) We fuck and it is all beautiful All incest and no forzest, natural raw rude love So much confidence she has granted me Yet she could take it all back if she wanted But of course I trust my sister that she's all lunatic All beautiful (april 1007) -4. Enjoy the World's End With Me So would me leave in London, at some eerie cemetery before a rainy dawn? Cannot. I could never get my death drugs with me there. Phengo, eoso, lygo, nycto, achlu. Could me have settled in Seattle? I wish. Wished that more than had ever wished a thing I believed could have been made so. Chiono, cerauno, ombro, cryo, pago. The genus Capsicum and some beta blockers while trying to figure out a place or a way, or a someone. Fellow suicidal, if not an enemy, if not a nothing, would you be my panther-in-crime? Agrizoo, acluro, eluro, gato, felino. Of course you wouldn't. I have no one but mecopes... Rhabdo, angro, virginiti, cleithro, merintho. An'meropes. Would I shoot me in the wood? No, I'd hang, for my plan contains ropes. Better than bullets, but rather I chose a method as gross and good (Prekestolen). Acro, necro, hemato, coimetro, nyctohylo. "Let's jump, Snow Leopard!" Lysso, philo, eroto, malaxo, mania. Tokyo pact. Ardrossan pill. Zürich law. Rodmell water. Sirius cult. Xyro, hoplo, methy, trypano, atomoso. I'll die a'ight. Alone and not anyplace fancy. Theatro, metro, oneiro, somni, hypno. Astheno, toxico, pharmaco, illyngo, thanato. (But I'll try me worst to make a forgotten dreamful of wishes fur first.) (april 1007) -5. Die Sonne You a bird, I am assured you would not leap A few years to go first - would those attract that deep? A wolf all so, you would not bow to a feline, is that right? Then tell me - veraciously - why so crushed on a kitten white? I mix up corn with xxxx xxxx dawn and feast with a vegetarian sister Would you be her (or do you murder) or am I sick in my need I INSIST HER!? Falun red (all painted dead) the grass under wolf with corvid wings A modest venue, but could be you, me taking part in some everythings Funny, 'cause there's some befores a wolf girl, Germanic and a dark painter I wrote to ash my poem, germ trash - and attracted Mir - my sister, I said her YOU drew my sis, so I draw you this: Could I, with you I'd gladly leap (& fly) But when _I_ leap, I'll fall very deep and I'm assured, xxxxx, you wouldn't DIE (may 1007) -6. Watermelon Glass a death to be sweet, that i wish 'pon the crossed stars and hide barbiturates inside the chocolate bars i'd elope with a spotty cat when the night is bleach expressed her this bagatelle just as it reads so i crafted encomia, meaning every letter volumetric chlorine daylight and hydrogen weather o tempera, o poster colour that runs all bitten damn this blurry morning with my malkavian kitten! (maye 1007) -7. Of Course I Fuck My Sister Please tell me you believe that I love you. -8. Nitrazepam Profile Barium (she made me drink) but as light shade of red is burnt sienna I'm having my death with mud cake Touchwood ember (this September) I will red up her teal pique I'm having my death with milkshake I love her must (I roll & crust) the moon aflame colour of pumpkin I'm having my love with alprazolam Summer it's still (not enough to kill?) I'll wait ice plants, her to me grant frisson I'm having my love with nitrazepam For me defence (lime & limerence) one there was who thought I made love I'm having no boece, no macbeth That one was right (I love to fight) raw score raw flesh raw stinging bite I'm having my life with raw death (june 1007) -9. Ireyon Painted Dead in tender flame she once was burnt as her kitten, i imagine, cried i wish i could have held her paw and assured that everything will be alright... and i the poet to them disgrace harm i do, harm i don't mean all us fragile heart and soaked face specially her with benzodiazepine and i as the inker to her draw though made my best to be a fool when the painting was done, i saw a frightened girl, but so cool! first blood i drew for her alone without hesitating, with dare all the otherkins she outshone with fox she had right there... back then she byrne and shinsui i with lots of red to add that ruby thing desire and takai for a kitsune and a cat meh... she made me mad and more i shed in tingling vulpine's rain i haven't bled enough for her yet though i'd gladly dry the pain so i the writer for once, for all i could have buried theory wtf ireyon, MIRIAM i did her call! and i couldn't write her to me love is not bad, but love is mad and i'm sick of the madness in me if only the future better things had like even madison love ... shit, we'll see (june 1007) -10. Vendemiaire Poet Me I am, death as her Thorazine, clinker Dear siamese, all green leafy Nitre, sulfuri, puuhiili, Rainwood, dry ice, ashers To ashers Desiring to die? Allow me. I write the top love poems that lead to actual deaths A spectacular I show 'em A mere vulpecular sketch Drawing in saw dust, in sand with pantherfaust power Death made in finland without limelight glower Another autumn for aiuchi play This time I too vanish away... The perfect autumn well outlined I don't want to be left behind (june 1007) -11. Fitte (Eläinten mielisairautta) Where I come from we're all animals there I was willing to give you my leopard's share Plenty of sharing to do, that I had Even for a girl who is far from a cat I don't care anymore who gives and who gets A dozen shots of Jäger or one shot of bullets I don't care if I'll die or she'll live I've got everything to forget but nothing to forgive I know finding a suicide girl is a bit risky But so is having euroshopper cola with Caol Ila whisky I know many of those leaned on booze have drowned But so have many of those leaned on water - lol, pwned11 Where I come from, we're all mentally ill there And did I mention, animals too, hehee Forget me yes, I'm just one of your ill-worded sluts Forgive me not - I'm sick, even if I loved you fucking much (july 1007) "The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions." - Friedrich Nietzsche -12. The Hebephrenian Logic of Duckburg Muiden susien muassa 2 tutunoloisen tytön kaikkine tunnistettavine piirteineen. Hänen pitkät hiuksensa värjätty osittain xxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx, edestä xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx ja hänen kätensä kuin xxxxxxxx, kyntensä korpin. Syväolemuksensa metallinmustaa. Silmissään tuttu pyroforinen, mielenvikainen kiilto, joka oli nyt enimmäkseen antanut tilaa pelonsekaiselle hämmmästykselle. Uskaltaisiko hän kertoa muille tuntevansa minut? Mitä hän tekisi, jos minä tunnustaisin sen ensin? Kiinniottajani piti asetta yhä oikealla ohimollani. "Löysin tämmöisen vakoojakissan". Kuonoani kutitti, perkele. Iskun voimasta kaaduin selälleni maahan tuolissani yhä kiinni ollen ja käteni 3 jäivät betonilattian ja selkänojan väliin. Päästin pienen voihkaisun. Pökertyneenä maistoin veren ja kuin aamu-usvan läpi kuulin Hänen puheessaan pienen epätoivon. "Mä saan siitä tiedot irti, jos annatte vähän yksityisaikaa". Joku tokaisi vastauksekseen "Ja vitut". Eihän välillämme koskaan ollut mitään hapuilevaa kaverisuhdetta maagisempaa, 4 joskin arvelin hänen aavistaneen minun olleen myrkyllisesti ihastunut, mutta ei hän voinut tietää mitä epitafeja olinkaan kynäillyt. Kovin väkevästi heidän ei tarvinnut minua kiinni pitää siinä henkisesti murskattuna ja mahallani pöytää vasten, Häntä jokseenkin voimakkaammin. En edes nähnyt kuka takanani oli, mutta tunsin sitäkin kivuliaammin. Huusin tuskasta kuin psykoottisen osaston vakiotapaus. Pahemmin hän ei vastustellut, kikatti vain nuollessani hänen suenvarpaitaan. 5 Kuvittelin jo mielessäni hänen luulleen, että tein tämän vain vapautuakseni, mutten välittänyt ajatuksesta - tiesin mitä halusin. Asfaltti allamme oli valunutta lasia ja miellyttävän lämmintä. Hän puski tikkuviinaa ja morfiinia täynnä olevan pääni kauemmas. Jäin katselemaan hämmentyneenä kun hän avasi vyönsä ja laski housunsa, alushousunsa mukaanlukien, silmieni edessä. "Jatka" hän käski katseensa ollessa mielikuvitusmaailman hebefreniaa ja hämmennykseni muuttui eräänlaisen rohkeuden kunnioitukseksi. Siksi kai, että tunsin sen olevan ainoa mahdollisuuteni, jonka hänkin näytti 7 ymmärtävän ja ikään kuin vapaaehtoisesti antavan minulle tilaisuuden paeta. Tuntui silti pahalta. En halunnut jättää häntä enää, mutta en kaiken tämänkään jälkeen tuntenut olevani kelvollinen edes myöntämään hänelle suudelmaa. Välillämme oli vain hieman kuivunutta yhteistä hurmetta. Ehkä juuri tämän yhteisen viimeisen ateriamme (malvaa ja häränvihaa) makoisuuden vuoksi hyväksyvän tyynenä hän pysyi sitoessani vielä paksun vernissalta kuvitteellisesti tuoksuvan liinan hänen suukapulakseen. (heinäkuu 1007) -13. Who Would Love the Beautiful Wolves Drunk on Carmine "People will say we're in love." (- H. Lecter) (I would 1007) -14. Arborea IC 4406 Three waters spread over the toffee coverlet 1 Cloudberry tongues rasp like doomsday sunset Licking more red, less red, scarlet away Then night, then unapologetic apocalyptic day Calf if veal, bird if poultry (to me poetry) Then wolf is kung futzu pao and she... And she is one with wolves, hungry for gore Behind the dirty glass I don't spy anymore, I don't even admire - even if they killed me with fire, What can I but adore... And then... I feel this stomach-tingling thing and suddenly I'm their whore Licking more red, less red, actually pink 6 She moans and I want more red from her to drink Corrupted by courageous wolf girl's tears When we're done, I hug her and cuddle her flossy overfluffy wolven ears When she's dressed and we're properly depressed I understand that to her I'm only a guest Under the discipline I possess this Little Lust Mord (and the will to without wings to leap into some great fjord) And like a lousy lash of a whipcord I whisper "xxxxxx you", though I could whisper it not cencored, but underscored... So gentle she's now and still I'm going to leave 8 Though I reckon that over me she will not grieve I just wonder if I freed her instead, would... Would she jump with me or would she just shoot? Before I go, I throw a glance hoping I had the courage to kiss She's all cool and I think... what a beautiful loony bird she is (july 1007) -15. Suenvarpaitaan vai pakkopaitaan -16. Desperado Birds Only old dusty wooden pieces and a board. The glasses aren't genuine, but filled with the miry-coloured La Valdetra Verte. Each capture provides a two centilitre shot. No water, no sugar, only the game, the drinks and us three. A snow leopard versus a wolf. We two playing over her life, the wolf girl with corvid wings. Not death, life. I wanted to get up and free her already, but the game first. There are rules neither one of us created. Pawns... all of us. Better get used to sacrifice from the beginning. That's Latvian Gambit now, as far as I can tell. "You're not Betins" he says and I have no idea what he means. Kingside castling. A tiny murder of rooks capturing pawns. More of that strangely-coloured drink, every time a capture takes place. More and more feels like playing for life. "Which one of us is Death?" I ask playfully and get an unexpected answer with a grin "I'm not concussion!" En passant capture even. The pawn skeleton all contorted. The late evening sunlight enters our musty stash, making the dusty air visible. Knights and bishops falling further down. This is our threesome immortal game. Oldschoolish, still near hypermodernism. Refills after refills and an endgame in animal fashion. Then it is done. He offers his paw and we shake clumsily. Then he tumps the pieces over with another piece, a handgun he takes from his holster and puts it there, over the board. "You won. Shoot me, take the girl and get out of here." I hesitate, he demands "You know you can't leave this place with her and me alive at the same time". Through the drunkness I can't find much logic from his verdict, but he sounds serious. I press the gun in my paw and I feel I can't do it. How could I... but it is the only way, is it not? "Do it, please" he begs and it seems clear now. I stretch out my right arm and shoot him in the forehead. He dies quietly and instantly and falls down taking some chess pieces with him. I whimper for him, as he didn't. Slowly I put the gun back on the board, get up from my chair and sadly pad near to the debris under the wolf girl with the raven wings. She's a bit shocked. I free her from her straightjacket, she moans in relief, still exhausted. "Thank you..." I don't hesitate at all, I just grab her and kiss her. She kisses me back and it is the most lovely feeling in a too long time. We get a little lost in each other's eyes and with a dreary twist, we smile. "It's only us wolves now" I whisper and hold her like the most precious thing ever to me. I notice her staring at the dead cat, some chess pieces scattered around him and awkwardly I continue "I didn't really want to kill that snow leopard, but honestly, I knew... he really wanted to die. I feel bad for him, but also so grateful..." I softly turn her gaze back into my eyes "...He knew he could never have you."