We c h o s e (Our Death and No Other Stories) "noirsmoke" being the last writings of mine and the writist me being Wolfram Winterfuhr, better get used to it. i'm gone. it's painful to stretch, painful to shower, painful to sleep... painful to try to be anything other than a snow leopard. i'm gone already! the end was the 24th of september 1006. r.i.p. Miriam xxxxxxxx, my love and my sister. joskus tämäkin vanhaa musiikkia "More sleeping pills will not make you fall asleep faster - just deeper. You will have as much as a half an hour, once those pills are in your stomach, to contemplate exactly what it is you've just done." the third track quotation is from steppenwolf by hermann hesse and the whole track has a certain base on "they call me winter..." from the sugar collection (furnoone). "How it burns in my heart, this true passion for flight. How I yearn for the freedom the dead have by right If I could have this thing, I would pledge my own soul. Any price! Any pain! I would pay to have Nembutal" [words of m. lackey quite well raped] "Life tastes sour? Add some sugar to your suicide drink!" 1. Nekrologikirjailija I'm drunk of you, and you and YOU! Whether you like this or nuts, you did me crush and I will write of you and I will write of us With arctic foxtrot, noir-smoke Cross-kissing, hissing she did spoke Coultepointe of woodearth bait A trap this was for flesh roseate Eroded ridges tokyo dawn Made us furs all silvertorn Moontheism chased all through nightplay Life's too slow, so RUN with.. mayeh! Our oil clouds the borderlands Sweet miss sweet blade sweet cum and dance.... I dont care what they will say In love madness and pda Life is slow, too slow for us So cum with me and leap to touch! "Suicide is just too cute" (May 1006) "Did they murder each other more gently because in the woods sweet songbirds sang?" / "grendel" by mr. gardner 2. Valencia & Yearning - woots! As if I hadn't understood... "Say it. Admit it." Her stare (makes me hard), she'd clearly shoot - but then you would... "I would do something worse than this?" That a growl or laughter, i cannot say Violent it is, all the * "LET'S cut the furplay!" Wielding a scalpel she approaches my cheek "I won't kill you, you know it dearly" A blade i've always wanted, now it's there cold & bleak "This is just gonna hurt... for you, TOO much" Desperation, what a wonderful, arousing emotion - shhit, fox, you can't do this... you're s'posed to aid folk... to stay alive! I'm trying to keep as still as possible in my urge to struggle and thresh With in-some-otter-occasion-wood-be-a-lovely smile her reply "You just have to confess" Still me tongue but not for long THIS is a stiffened growl, though the touch it brings more tears than blood, a tiny wound, no real pain, just fear and that's what she's after - ok you win... fuck Not taking the blade away yet playing a little recital her expression now like "yees?" - i am.. i am sewrrsl... Angered, she places the scalpel inbetween my eyes and demands "What?!" - suicidal! I spit it out into her face. She's smiling again with vixen eyes that haunt, all all over me tread. Victory.. She now knows she can officially lock me up and molest me for... as long as she might want (May 1006) "A dragonfly huge and blue irridescent flew in this morning and I went up to him and he crawled right onto my hand and I took him outside." - M 3. Suloisinta myrkkyä Should I find a girl I'd love / I'd love to die with her Of all the cliches skulk above / Our Death that's always there This story should be more than true / This indeed is my will Of all things only this would do / Our Death must be all real So friends, in grief don't surrender / You were no friends to me You knew me but you did not care / Of me, of poetry I stare at you, uncertain eyes are that I always see But do YOU see through all the lies my stare of certainty? Only one learned everything / For her I fell this dead And thanks for asking, she did bring / Delight of all she read "Tanssi kanssani!" "Minä en voi, minulla on kiire helvettiin. Mutta suudelman otan sinulta mielelläni." An' now I lay myself to wait / With a blade in my paw I think of art we'll soon create / With grin I start to draw...... chalk the blood out of me (March & June 1006) [once a day you'll fall asleep, once a week you'll fall drunk on the ground, but only once in a lifetime... ] 4. How About You Burn? (She as a Fly) "Crafty-eyed buzzing in-flight thass mad she as a fly She'll meet a tongue and taste of sky that's mad us in xxxx" Agate if orange, mortar thee dead In hell you've lived and well you've bled Temple bleeding -prettified Capsule feeding -granted flight You so cute when all tied up Garnet-red when I strike up Only chuff to make you budge Nipples crave for much more touch Choke not primiriambane Just revel with strangling chain You don't have to fall too dead Sister, please, breathe me instead *kisses* I let you live, I gnaw your breasts Forest incestuous chews, so wrest! But what is that you now so yearn? As grunt you'll hear "How 'bout you BVRN?" No syrup, hun, just life from you Of all the life, just yours will do I handle it with loving care I lick it from your pelt to bare I lap, rigorously harbour And let you live for I want more! My sis, my bait, my love and mate Me cat I rape and flagellate I violate all love that's made But hurt no more you tolerate... (which isn't anything love too less) They say we're not, but do they know This love that makes me crazed, shallow Just what might you from me expect? I'd paint my thoughts and you all red Sweet, sweet colour... with respect Squirm in paint, lure, in pleasure Sing, unhinge the rest me-fur Mirror pieces painted ropes Colour fobs kaleidoscopes Foxconstruct, fly fire there Foxbuilt fire... I r e v e r e Grrh "No, no tricks, oleander licks just and some eloquence For what, I ask, is a little shower among mad mad friends?" she'll... meet my tongue and taste of sky, seethe me much, my pretty - fly (Summer 1006) [ ...you fall in love with me] 5. An American Oak Finish the endless sun that makes us rush the drying grass, the dying us outside the dungeon and it's keep the dying her, the dying me my leopard spit on our furs and the prison inside it's always a safe cool season around the poison circles we roll we have one another and that is all the whole dungeon like a big bad puzzle beside the corbum pillar i lick her muzzle the whole me a well-damaged cat the whole us a deep-hurt suicide pact never meant to suffer this much or to hurt my sis sometimes felt 'most like that's what she did insist we stare at the abyss and once more we kiss then take each others paws, leap, and it's finished (July 1006) "aha and I can't help but show me strength....and I l....oh sorry, I lifted you up by the neck - slid you arm length up the walll. I should have just kissed you back....but see, why can't we ever end the evening like some ordinary couple with fucking and such I am going to be superhuman soon and I will make you pay I mean, that is....I kiss you too you will desire meeeeeeee" - M 6. Innocence Succumb to Snow Leopards (how could I not conspire?!) Eesily enough - catlikishly rough, but not without firepower and leopard love Coalwood fumetrails, hardened sardonyx blood, rope-coloured slavic sardonic Nav' I meant d es i re That's what I meant and that's what I have On the diff'rent sides we're of the bench Yeth back to back to keep the warmth Snowyplaces & innocence (Yes, we've frisk'd. Yes, we've mourned) Toxicfire sisal-leashed, we fought and I won She was bleeding already but not too much The look on her face, she didn't want to fawn But I didn't let her judge... I offered her blade (the pointy end first) She received pretty words (cut on her skin) I offered her rope (she struggled and cursed) She received love (and I was inside and within!) Then I left for some more ale Really didn't be away for long But when I was back, there was a FAIL I must had done something wrong Redemptive stared at the empty spot She should have been there but she was NOT She grinned sinister-ely, behind me was this evil kit Ready with her rope, wounded by something far-from-innocence Before anything happened, I managed to say "Oh shhh--" But nothing, nothing else! (August 1006) "Kelmi! Joudumme varmasti kadotukseen, hi hi hi, mutta jos sinäkin olet siellä, niin..." - Sussu x. [shadowtrack] Sweet Durr-mecum (acetum-flavoured and all) / Old Memories I used to sneak into her room and then we talked and giggled and I hid under her bed when our parents came We had many secrets only us two knew of when we were young I have always loved my sister // Phenobiter Meh But something happened and it wasn't pretty The prettiest thing there was it was the purple-white capsules and the overdose of blue valium /// Dust Covers (I never stopp'd her here to wish I never wish'd her me like this I never wanted anything Save Her and love all-consuming...) What happened, sis? What happened to us? (August 1006) " If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul. " - C. Odets 7. My Story Is Always a Little Sad Tell I now of a story so sad, yet not sad at all, more like fantastic, at least near to it, put literally... Many times, in the far past (seems like decades now), upon was I and loneliness and the forest and the night. Roaming aimlessly nay! but with a goal - something should happen. Nothing happend. No human in the woodlands at dusk, not any twisted no-soul, not once. Alone was I, among the nightly wind (sometimes rain), the trees and the other nocturnal animals. I kept wandering and wondering, crying, too - kept it all to myself and then it happened. She let me meet her. A feline, a tiger - yet still a cat. Human-shaped, human-sized, ochre-coloured with white sharp teeth and venom-green watery eyes and female. Weird, cute and insane at heart. Dwelled she had there as long as she remembered, in the same loneliness I visited most of my nights back then. That is why she gathered her courage and let me trudge into her strange life. I didn't tell anyone of her, because of her will, but I wrote of her and to her much. Many times we met, we got to know each other to the point of practically living in the woods together. And I fell... In love I fell with her. In those days we had much fun, one and a half turns of seasons. Then we decided... to die. Together. And that is what we did. But she was weaker then meh. I survived. I have never forgotten her. Years passed. The sorrow of pain... Some time ago my sister found me. My long lost sister. Everything in me mind made sense little enough, I didn't care about other things - my sister found me! My own sister, the one I remembered from the days of yore. I just felt and how I felt! She looks like a vulpine, a vixen, a kitsune, a fox... and even me. Even me! And we... we fell. Both of us. How love me how sad... We decided to have all the fun that had been taken away from us. All the fun, and then die. Yes, we decided to die. She is my sister. My very own sister I always knew I should have had. And she's there, alive and not well. I love my sister more than I've ever loved anyone. Wherever she takes me, I will follow. I swear I will follow. "I have thought a lot about death and I think it is the least of all evils." - unknown (August, 1006) 8. The Sun Touches the Face of a Kitten in Seattle You frowned as I told yesterday That all cats are a bit insane You granted reasons to live for But when I died you frowned some more You think she loved me more than you But that is simply not quite true Let this mislead you not - my diction She all my plutonium vixen A life this wrong is wrong to live This wrongness causes too much grief Insane we are, some more, some less She and meh - we're complete mess A kitten you are, I believe Become more sane feline than me A kitten with so much to dream Become a stronger cat than me! (for Ela) (September 1006) 9. My Plutonium Vixen Lovesick for ******. Could be a title less plagiarized (to reach an example more pointy & corny even, I'd point to "Her Ghost in the Fox"). But I won't (now pointing to the point indicated between the previous () <-- these), for this is MY plutonium fiction. Yet fiction it's not, fixation maybe, but a tale too true to be typed aloud (or I could quote an inept poet named after something near gelidity, yet not quite! and continue "...or I could tell you, but then I would have to kill me"). Which surely would be a damn inept motive, for that indeed I am going to do (telling nay, killing yay). I once wrote that she (I feel being a bad person not capitalizing that S, but believe me, in my heart she's Her for me) looks like a vulpine, a vixen, a fox, a kitsune and even me. Sometimes, when reason is little and emotion is much (and those sometimeses cover my whole thoughts), we could almost be twins. Of different sex maybe, but... siblings at least. I remember, remember (see my inept (gotta love that word) V analogy) this damn September, my love who is my love no more. But I know of no reason why reason should rule this season, and my love rages just as be-fore. A funny note: I took some temazepam and I still don't feel it. Then I took some mirtazapine and I ... fill the rest of the sentence or sentence me, you fools. I should be dreamy now, but dreary I am instead. How one letter can make such a difference, even if it's not a love letter, yet meant to be one. The point of this stupidstupidstupidmessage is plainly that I want to rant and raven and seek for company. Company? Woots. I mean suicide company. For I feel very lonely. This is a cencored, shortened version of somecrap I once wrote (see the analogies of some famous poof! writer) When We Were Very Drunk I often wish I had a drink Sometimes I'd drink 'most anything I always wish I would be dead And gone, not dwell in pain instead I always wish I had with me Perfect suicide company I always wish I hadn't quill Instead had somegirl ink 'most real If I had this most dirty girl I'd rape the little world with her Had I her just for a day At night we'd be dead, gone, away Friends? They don't either know me or refuse to do that, which I understand dearly, I am... a person quite existentially challenged, if you catch my prettyfly. They are not my friends. I love, thus incapable of falling (unless speaking of Prekestolen), but a sure method I possess for me and maybe some for you could be arranged, too. Yes, I just don't want to die alone. I want someone... to share my final moments. I wished it would have been her (suicidal her), but rejected I am. I want to die. Could you please share your death with meh, whoever you are? Private messages only, please (or lonely shall be mew decease). I am far from you all, but let that be no burden. I know Love is stronger than Death for it can both cause and prevent Death, but that is just an illusion for the mortals - in the end, which one of those always wins? (September 1006) 10. We Chose to Live Not helvetti ei sitten.