In somnolence we did not cleave And Death Loved Her that fugue She dreamt yet She could not believe That I did Love Her, too " Maailmankaikkeus sinä syksynä " 1. Mikä häntä esti elämästä - The six seasons, first verse Warmth Lil' heads got repressed and with incest thoughts flew And thunder and hunger, they grew Down dells and deep realms - of all hells we got more All valium, thallium, ore The poisoned horizons surprised us? Uh, NO Our views and ideas black as coal We knew we were weird and all lured to each other And one day the mundane world farther So nothing was thumbing our crumbling twin life Just Her and a sure way to die "grainofsalt" written by w. winter foo so many times i've hoped, even almost known that my writing days (among the others) too tired, too bitten to ever awake again but Death, that grifter... as Miriam, that lover, fool'd me that autumn She did not take me away from this deuced cosmos with Her - Second verse Heat Neo-fascist, neofolk With warm, strong alcohold Completely furry diary Of love, death - complete Me Working on to complete kills With yummy wine and pills Post-sane to touch, for me to bleed That's Her, that's Her complete "grainofsalt" finished in february 25th (of 1007) and represents one story told and a bunch (sixteen to be exact) of vignettes that shall never grow very old - Third verse Rainy Days (It rains on chesnut avenue The days of rain remind of you The cemetery to the north Ald-actone on our drawing board) In bloody rain you wet your pelt And frown the delight of a cougar In the rain you sometimes melt but only 'cause you're sugar! - Fourth verse Fall A romance with a grain of salt Some transformation and occult Depressed as angels, our harem We might as well go with them... (And all the pretty little corpses Come choreograph our fall) Oh, can't we just be siblings, dear? For me that is how you appear - A sister, hun, of blood and blade A vulpine, morphine and red paint I always knew I had a sis But never thought you'd hear my wish Desire meh tormented nearly All love, sex, death liquid strawbury For me the last of scars you drew But that I cannot have for I love you... - Fifth verse Autumn Dead colours leaf the manuscript Old poems unused, weather-stripped Warfarin stories that sound false The chondrite stars, they are now yours I mew for anti-depressants In fascinating flavours lance My heart all speared with toffee cones Love becomes glue and reason fawns I cut for swee-eet fox sisters Who cut the crap with evil whispers Threaten sodomizing me Sodium chloride woundery - Last verse Winter Opium, formaldehyde Still everynight to you I write Lust, snow leopard genocide With you I gladly would have died I Loved and whoa - I believed! For You I gladly would have lived (October 1006) so that was mine last then the fragmentary, nearly unfinished nothings from me finished and done none-save-desire (existence none but desire, desire none but pain excruciation! existence with desire in fffvvain) 2. Taivaanrannanmaalari vastoin tahtoa Instead of paintings, I was a true brother And sweet was Her, also true with Her cheats Instead of Darvon-N and nicotine water I know how to overdose with sweets Under torrid Finnish sky I'd crush all time release Then I draw you to come by And once more a crush I have with images When I see you I cannot but think How you look so exactly like Her And now we're both on the same brink Of something sweet, too sweet to accrue Experimental vivaldi in my angel lust I swash the heavens and your reply Strange baroque with black metal crust With all my faith: bodies do not cry So have you really become A stronger cat than me Mind me not, I'm dreamer, some Could call strong felinity She was my sister So you're my blood, too I love Her like Death - like life I love you I never got to kiss Her Though got glaze for two You're the one I'll never get But by blood - I love you (October 1006) 3. I Should Not See This Autumn I've studied all the touchstone clefs Into cyrillic ampersands And when it comes to graphite pens Mere words I draw with unsure hands The mistywinter time be near And everything is cold, bizarre I crave for end, the time is here It's cold, but this is who we are Travertine coffin carving - bay You made me cream of life rough better Where death fission for you, for meh Fuck this, we should have gone together (October 1006) 4. Now She's Thirty Forever fuchs wryyyy 5. Lonicera Morrowii Study "Oxycontin, morphine sulfate, how i miss you so...." (-sd) Flower skim and bloody glass (how dri-ed) as limestone Diode furi leopard come and guro disarray Odlar yurdu colour oil for glassy chalky milky way 6. Granité Czar A fusion of cherry and tachycardia An innovative Lecterian cuisine of the modern nogods Rose - sucrose - aflame nay but certainly burnt We dying through Versailles diaries That's leastwise mine Vanilla and the Manila hemp How taste so delicious, so viscous attempt To dulcorate that all I craved Not much, yet not just the scent To stick and sense so more than friends Take a full cycle of nitrogens Stream and pour like glazed blood The Byzantium to DTs I have said dozens of times "I love you" Countlessly that "I want to fall for and with you" As long as I feel it and come up with new words... You are supposed to hear .. . (November 1006) (Wequoth) "My life is so confusing No reason and no rhyme We've got this funny feeling Getting old before our time..." 7. Avaruuteen jäätynyt To express an epos on the fugazi stage The needs of the trans-Neptunean to assuage Cyan steam the plutino teal temper Lest we perceive, lest we remember The canto from Kuiper, tobacco with wormwood I express for a girl to come - and shoot! And strangle, get drunk in sweet cacophony To sculpt an end out of gargoylean astronomy For who am I with Oort-clouded thoughts I'd lief get cast out with mine criminal records Just required her to be cast out WITH Alone mere nadir, she'd bring us zenith "I can't remember a time before you" (-M) How'd I know anything else, all the rest - shoo! "I feel your sharp teeth with my tongue and seeming all subservient lull you into the kiss gnashing at each others lips* sweet bloody wreckage *Bites hard at your neck* suspended in me, paralyzed and the angst I experience when I observe a cute, untouched body of a girl destroys me, sucks the life right out of me h " (November 1006) A brother and a sister Will we always be this close? 8. Theatrical Depression (A Graphic Poem) My genuine paw-written note once was alpha-bets. Then "something happened" (which caused this littleverse to exist) and the only 'bet suitable was the last, and a littlebang my blast. Some arsenic, adrenaline Burn memos incen-diary Flame 'front of third and fortify We shall have fun before we die From theatres to orrery Decant, denizens, heroine And rusty misty, you're mine too But "bang" I say prior to "shooo!" So where's my lady blood like snow Where's endorphin from gun in maw Our molten lives feign plank of wood You have the gun, you know what we want to do Theatrical felidae depression, ladies (early winter 1006) 9. The Asylum for Fragile Animals Depot whereabout notation limited to the main frame Valiente Skyhigh Stoneland -------- ------- --------- Whitechalk Bayourail Linnahiekka Vanamo Amaranth Reactor Broken Broadway Railroad Oaks Cyprian Abbey Dusthamn Dock Holvikellari Burntgreen Concealing Common Corvidae Column Charcoal Block The Cistern Tokajisquare Chesnut Avenue Stormscourt Forest Eave Skyhigh Castle Myrskypuut Crowpath Gardens Syväsatama Snowscrapers Tolaria Greyven Quays Erratic Glacial Park Valiente's Scar Backwater Icelumber Road Cornwall Keep Cunningtown Underminesbury Räystäskamari Ravenlands Crossover County Bloodwood Drystonelake Darklove -------- North Coventry Alcove Tavern Ikirauniotammi Coventry Central Valeriaana Volf Rahm Mews Sulphurdale Worldwarmoor The Library of Crazy Stories Furlong Meteor Burial Ground Devianthearts Vanikanmurtaja Dark Pink Thunder Minsk Ereshkigal Dawn (December 1006, January 1007) 10. Scarcely Valiente subj: Alight here for a fur afar We can meet up at gardens kew But graveyard's our sight I can bring blade and wine, if you Stay with me through blue night You can chase me through earls' courts But fighting back's my crime If you don't own the proper swords You could as well steal mine Each other chase to camden town And see some dark-sweet gigs Illegal absinthe let us drown Let's feel it's magic trix I want to run through all the parks Just not so damn alone! I want to share the cuts, bite marks And everything I own A silly snowy leopard cub Without a sis alive That's what I am and giving up To you, and some skyline Imagine us in future, Miss Where meeting me us led I'm tired, sweet, I do mean this: I only like us dead (January 1007) "I'll do so much for my true love As any kitten may I'll sit and mourn all on your grave For twelve months and a day" (- definitelynotme, for...) 11. Now Gone Art Bloody the plexus all splattered in swash Cuddling like nexus all over the plexiglass Mulled acrilan wine and some love now gone art Asylum gate graffiti old love depart Fled I would have and wept otherdays, but Withdrawal approval just suited me not Lust must have increased by beastly alchemy Our twin-cult, salt, sulphur and mercury When you wore all glycoside, biting me well Sweet malice, the relish of framework model And fox, though obnoxious, poison of course Digitalin, ritalin, with overdosed roars But enough of bluff, woodruff and empirim I mourn thee (mew) yes for I was & am him For four months I've mourned and learned from them: I should die before I fall and get hurt this bad again (January 1007) Washed up at forty-five... grrrr, ten less and you'd be mine. 12. Lovers Cut Together From a pharma to a dharma with illicit vinegar I don't want to stop now that we've got this far Winterdays, some outer space and an end nascent Further reading for my oldest suicidal friend Our path is that which goes norways In canicular lupus tundrarum days A shanty as unmelodic as any crude hut Lovers we are not, though a shinju our plot In your eyes I recognize somegirl unknowingly But I gather it matters you'd play dead with me As I prefer us unsalty red and with sweet blue murder I'm glad you kept on reading, screaming this much further Lovers we are not, though together we cut At night we find new constellation animals Though felonious them all, like us little criminals Moonshine-distilled nighttime-thrilled raccoonious thieves Crepuscule dance, lifetaking plans with liquor and nox weeds But a cat am I, therefore dire, I could scare you very much So please bite back with smooch and smack, with tar and soft guntouch Let's discover what would mad lovers have for their outcome There's completely another geography for us two with one shotgun Lovers we are not, though we'd love to get shot... It's lead or steel this trite dustmew with whom to roast some dove Some war and wrestling - today love, tomorrow death... AND love! But lovers we are not, though we kiss a lot A streak of iron in your stare with care for not just dying Rough pomegranate warmth is what I find from my descrying Alike delight, though double-dyed - brisk radioactive woods Barren, shot, precisely what our heaven in its plentitudes I'll let you fool me as you will, lewd dreams made cats repeated I'll grant you all your wishes as long as Death is included Even if gunfire is too bright for vampire to deflower Oh we will once be perfect like any burnt perianth lover But lovers we are not, though side by side we'll indeed rot (January/February 1007) "No one will ever fall quite like I did." - Miriam 13. Suicide on Mercury Stupid flowers. No, I am not a realist actually. Just pessimistic (realistic, eh?), but one emotion conquers all reason. Desire. Maybe that's why falling hurts like hell, but still isn't enough to kill. Desire... In this context, it's ... something like this. It's dreamy, a bit dreary, but strong and piercing as any good blade made of meteor metal. There's my verismo with mutants. I have told my shrink that I am not depressed. She disagrees. But how could I be depressed with this enormous desire? I'm not depressed! I don't feel numb! I feel ALIVE and I hate every second of it. Passion and love unrequited, therefore mere pain. Damn, that sounds retarded. Let's move on. The last light meal. I didn't add habanero tabasco this time. Just so that we don't have to take the rest with empty stomachs. Including: We roll on the floor, curl and whirl like the crazed, play around like wild felines (even precisely like ones), share some mutual tears and they're tears of joy. We scratch and tear and bite and pounce... The laughter is genuine. We soon get exhausted, if only physically. I force her down playfully and climb over her to see as deep into her eyes as possible (to recognize the evident animality) and lean to kiss and suddenly I feel her all over me and there is no gravity anymore (or then a little, like on Mercury), just us two in a soft white asylum cell and some deep space. How can this be real? They said this just cannot be. The compazine must be affecting already. After taking some deep breaths and listening to some sad, beautiful neofolk songs (for sadness is beautiful)... We burn the sugar, let it melt and caramelize to the green liquor, extra strong, with extra thujone, with extra sugar. Some winter-icy water to cool down the sweet-sweet glass and we quiff it all... and pour some more. Not too much, but just enough. I devour her deviant stare for so delicious it looks and I cannot but leap to touch which leads to even more moments spent giggling and fooled by one another. Sharp teeth meet flesh and there's venetian red rorschach splashes of colour on our faces and it all tastes sweet. At least we look like we've had some life as we leave. Licks. Ten grams for me, ten for her. That's phenobarbital, you fools. Is it too much, I wonder? Naah... I set the mortar away (for some reason I decided to paint nice tiny misshapen figures to it (with my blood), so now it's pretty). Deprancol, all grinded. No matter how foul-tasted, succumbs to the delicate flavour of vanilla... A couple of purple-and-white capsules, just for the looks (for aren't they pretty as well?) and the rest of the powder that doesn't go down with the melted ice-cream, we have vegetable capsules for it... My favourite, midazolam. It's azure. And it's swift. Not even the strangest absinthe has induced me the same euphoric illusion of dying. Rapidly losing consciousness in perfect calmness and comfort, somnolence... then dreams of dying. Only this time there won't be dreams nor illusions and we don't have to face the cruel awakening to the world that was never truly ours ever again. Holding red-stained hand in hand, my gaze locks to her beautiful evilly-coloured eyes and I feel all the good things. Call me a dreamer or whatever escapist you wish, but my dream became true. We're dying together and there is no me or her anymore, there is us. They said everyone is alone in the end. Well. We are not. Maybe the upcoming heart failure is painful, but we don't care, for this is the happiest single moment in our brief, little, insignificant lives and no one can take that away. ... Ow fuck. (February 1007) 14. Snowy Places I'd marshal death-pale apples 'way For ain't life none but froth Dull sparkle, foam and bubble 'stray And Death who loves me not I want to see that summer sky All gray and filled with roar Once there was snow, as once was I And we made love, and war Now days the colour of my crayons Crumbs devoid of red What snowskies did to better havens We did too (and bled) I love the words "autumn" and "fall" And snow seasons to trot I'll lope but want to fall no more In Love that kills me not (February 1007) 15. Not Existentially Viable "Hey. Either you let me go now, or we meet in July. You cannot come here now and I cannot come to you now. When I have all my death drugs we can reevaluate timing. If death is assured I might be able to make some exceptions to rules." - M 16. Qui est excité par l'idée de se suicider Siitä minut löysi kettu. Vei synkkään luolaansa, alle kiven ja kallion, alle mullan ja juurakon. Maan poveen lämpimään. Piiloon valolta auringon, turvaan tuulilta shina-to-ben. Katosin piiristä maan. Ja siellä makaamme kahdestaan. Kämmen kämmenessä, turkki turkissa, toistemme hehkussa. Kosketus karheaa havua, tuoksu kuin katajanmarjoja, kielillä kirpeä maku. Olemme yhtä eikä maailmaan mahdu enää mitään muuta. Kun lumi peittää tienoon ja puhuri pelloilla käy, yhä makaamme alle roudan. Eikä kukaan minua enää muista, ei kaipaa. Sinne jäämme, yhdessä, kaksin. Ja minä kuiskaan hänelle: ... (February 1007, though words above not by me but Mr. Sevänen, yet well deranged, as usual) 17. ... "Älä enää milloinkaan jätä minua henkiin"