watch this corpse . "Why So Suicidal" [aaveidenfilologiaa] is written by Wolfram Winterfuhr Bite wounds taken with a grain of salt... reallynot It doesn't take a futurologist to predict that I am going to die "Pahana on hyvä olla" - Piccolo Anthrology finished in 04.04.1008, (...by me own...) but you want to get rid of me quickly? Add sugar to our chemistry! I have never quite mastered the art of letting go The opening inspired and having the structure & stolen word of an N&O song... pww. Sso I lie down in the dark nights with devils Awaken (with? no!) strangers that I never knew I follow the heartbeats of wolflings Imagining that they lead me To you So much magic in morning I but a fly in your eyes and a teardrop for two I'd run through the dawning with danger If I could be running To you If I cried out to the skies my mournings Who am I, where am I, why am I still alone I probably would see a way Leading not to you But to aokigahara So little magic in winter I but a fly in your eyes with a sparkle of two I dance through the darkness with danger But rather I'd be dancing To you If love took my life and yours, too I'd give love and take life To you Grrrrr, 1 Vuolla... taikka: Valrhônan vahaa Gelignite eugenics for sister supreme Warm macchiato, loud lashes of whipcream The freckles of the fur make you so toothsome There's nothing left in me to overcome Exquisite your animal origin wax Even when your tears form cataracts Sis, I like your eyes when they grow crow A gallow's bird with sad wind wings' blow But a snow leopard you and snow leopard us Sweet Nova, there's nothing left to discuss With you to do it all, like winter's rain we're close To lick, to die or to carve there, to go very lachrymose Chip at the chocolate-coffee steaming in the frappe-cold air I love you, but like you, I am a beast, so beware.... (Nov' 07) 2 Kantonin sitä vakavampaa teatteria (from gastronomy to astronomy) The most Guangzhou-coloured things: cookery. benzodiazepines. gorzalka. absinthe. wine. colours. blood. paint. art. beauty. poets and madmen. nihilism. misanthropy. self-injury. love. shinju. suicide. stars. 3 Black Heart-shaped Wings Would I be winter, I'd stop writing right away Just draw whatever I don't have, but have to say In perfect colour chemistry made of stark feelings Would I be neon, I'd paint only malayan wings (Novaya) fooled you!!eleven! 4 Referring to Those Wolves With Morphine sillä ihastus on tunteista kaikista paras Baucsee it is Lkie bldooy frury fticoin is the bset of all blbeis Wtih hreat, wtih araettvline scudiie fnails I tnhik I ralely msut lvoe her a ltlite Too mcuh, but not eunogh to get in the mldide Whcih is eclxaty waht svaes me tdaoy But dosteyrs me eevn bofere the rael fpolreay A cursh idened is the bset Aawy form you (repeating "murder is love...") I run Csontlntay lokonig oevr my slruodhes for the damn sun My feet sateldiy on the folor Eevry day fireang taht wlil I flal, blaarghhhah (Dcmbre 7001) I don't mind being serious 5 You are so unharmed Love would have conquered much Made sense even during the ruts Death would have conquered all Love covered us like the pall I don't want to be loved Some would call me very odd I only wanted some else to accept My love towards her to our death My second dream is suicide Left untouched before we died Counterpart in lunacy She is so unharmed... by me 6 CATAH MYCT HOW PNC3 Her words are sweet, tribute votive She's not my sis, but I believe Airbrushing me like cloud that rained Covering in encaustic paint... She's fog and mirror, sharp and true Lovenovel of a sis issue A paradigm for burial Enter the ghostly area Where sis of mine has left me not Vocational blood-painter, but All mine, so harmed, so much in fear Like me, though I only love here I know I'm wrong, but she's so pro She's evil, worse than mephisto These tricks of hiru bluff me well Manage to me all sweet blur sell Perform for cautious me like this Know who I so much very miss A fool, a mere fool, that I am For taking open-armed this scam A fool and desperate and hurt Finding solice in getting lured By epitome which could have been My sis on this side of the dream Just play with me, dear satan, play! Insist we do incest today! Yay, lillesøster, barleywine Werewolfysister or feline Let northern water colours flow And colourwater stun art so Some grimbutal or laudanum Cat whiskers mess'd in sibling cum Fromage of evil wellbutrin I'd never hate my sis like him (Dec... kek...) Anna anteeksi, että kirjoitin... taas. (mukavaa vaan kun jotkut on niin inspiroivia) 7 Therianthrope Magician (Yö, seuralainen oot) Another set of seasons coming up, what a shallow reason for celebration. Cornalin getting uncorked, salvia divinorum wrapped (a hookah, anyone?), familiar folk confering about future plans, she feeling all trapped. After half a bottle she finally decides to bare her words. "I don't know much about what there should be to come. I know the compassion of animals, the past, but the future... I can foresee that some relationships aren't going to last." She looks down with a drowsy smile. "I wanted... to die" All the others suddenly grant their attention and go like woots "Heh, I was just joking" The awkward silence, followed by the change of subject She's still staring at the floor or at nothing, looking like dreaming and a little embarrassed, too. "It's steadily inside the container, worry less." Aren't we mutants enough, no? Heart-torn or is it just me, yes? What a drunken dialogue, derived from some deranged decorum, controlled, yet uncontrollable. I wonder should I expose my thought to her instead. Not being very interested in their chatter or doings, she has isolated herself into a safe corner, saving the second flask for no one else. I tried to avoid it, but I can feel my worrying increase... I might even frighten her. Yet I've been merely protecting my-fragile-self. I don't want to fall, but how could I by any means forget any pretty girl who has ever talked about Death? I feel so wolf near her and keep thinking of silly little sad double suicides. Fuchsia hair, valerian wine, hematolagnia all over the meridian line... And they all knew she was serious Ignorant now... like ignorant then Why surprised when darkness comes, casts over them I don't recall how this happened. Like there was no time before it. No time before her. It's uncommon, a blade that big You know you could take my heart... "Nein (Nacht). I'm just gonna hurt you real bad." (sic!) It's a start... She pushes my back against the wall, opens slightly my skirt and mischievously pushes her knee between my legs. "Isn't this how you like your little sisters?". In a second I collapse. Emotionally, that is. I just don't have the courage. She's all loveled and on her knees (snow on her knees) before me, begging with her unfeminine (therefore personal, wolvish and beautiful) voice to be executed and what do I do? Do I place the barrel of my gun gently on her forehead with an honest, twisted smile? Do I grant her (and to myself) that sweetsick pleasure? Why do I step away, mumble something about nothing, make sure I hate myself this easily? Why do I swerve, dodge, avoid and turn away? I know why. I'm not afraid of her, really not (just excited to my doom). But I'm shivering when I think about them two. So, only acceptable and fair it is that she's lying on the floor in her hypersomnia with someone who didn't do that nothing I'm guilty of. I'm not really here today, and all gone tomorrow. Having a flock of passed out (soon hangoverish) friends and familiar-labeled absinthe with a taste of foreign lips, I think how lucky I must be to have the night beside me. "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er bit a true beauty, not even tonight." My teeth sharp and ready, but the comforting darkness and the silence make me all soft. "Ahh, my precious wolf beauty... And still I never truly knew thee." Did I say wolf... I meant the night. Nothing more, nothing less, just messing in my nothingness. Than the night... Sweet, dark night. Sinne meni kuin oikovedos ikään. Miten sitä tuleekin vaan elettyä itse elämää vastaan. Anti-depressanttejakin syön vain maun takia. Voisin heittää henkeni taiteen vuoksi... They should just act like they did well back then So surprised when friends commit murders again Hell, it's only infant infatuation, isn't it And I didn't even hug her farewell... (December 1007 - January 1008) 8 Aokigahara "I left him" - Quite bluntly said, Fräulein. "Don't love me..." Aurinko oli poikkeuksellisen pimeä tänäaamuna. "I saw you. You tried to hide it, but I found your cavern... your pretty scrabblings. Don't do it anymore, please." - I promise that I'll try. I had supplied her lots of lots of zombies. Now, back from the colourful noise to the softlighted ateljee (not a workshop, not really, just covered with sketches and winy smutches and simple animal forms) up and high and all so literal. The skies are purple and the grrman late summer wind lets some droned party gone commemoration to the room. "Don't you dare love me..." Wolves, they always so put me on my toes... - Do you want to remember this tomorrow anymore? She stops hearing me for a second, thinking of something evil-minded maybe? "Pretend that you have me now here. What would you do?" - I'd hmmm toy with you a little, then discard. I'd say, play with your life, pretty wolf. I won't be part of it. I am going to d.. As finishing "OH, NO YOU WON'T" she pulls me closer and I'm just about to touch her lips as she adds "(just yet)" with an aggressive whisper and the impossibly-long wait ends and I taste raven and I taste girl and wolf and absolute deliciousnesss She doesn't do much resistance, just giggles as I lick her wolfytoes. What. Does this happen? The sheets under us like mist-covered cantons, us the wyverns' whiffs of lungo and iron carbonyl and unhealthy, but so damn pleasant. She the illusionist pushes my feuerkugel-filled larkhilled head away a little. In amaze I stare at the stars and her taking off her belt, undressing her pants right there before my eyes. Does this happen? "Go on" I hear like from my invented memories only, no this does not, and her gaze is disorganized schizophrenia I've so far witnessed only in fiction and I just do not believe. Wolves... "What the fuck are you waiting for?" - M.... She puts her foot over my chest and growls in that very low tone i've heard before "Stay down, then" Remarkable teeth, but now you must suffrr... ouch so i think, but here i'm lead again. hurts and i just try not to smile. i'll stay this way for a little moment, but sooner than you know I hold you in place, hold my paw on your mouth and do exactly as I was told to just a while ago with mine teeth and everyone will see the marks on your cheeks and neck, some close ones also the rest. I love it how sadistic I get at times. ?! What's happening? Fucking daydreams he's even lighter than me, but with much more rage, i'm like in a haze and can't fight back... i slide on the slippery floor on my back a little the white cat pounces over me and keeps striking and striking me further i've lost the count and caring and lost, i'm just there below him and cannot but take it all and wearily spit some of the red away from my mouth. strike, strike. i had no idea he could even possess this kind of fury then i hear only his loud hard breathing. the weight over me is no more, he stands up and without saying a word, turns away. Cough. Maybe I did (something wrong), I made him extremely jealous. Did they break apart... I don't think they really did. They were on the brink maybe, but that's all that was needed for this crap to happen. In pain, but I stand on my feet. I don't think it's pride, more like the very same kind of jealousy. I take a few steps, when he senses I'm behind him, he turns and as he does, I hit him once in the face as hard as I can. With a swiftlike whimper, he falls down on the battle floor. I don't take any longer glance, I merely trot away, panting hard. Bleeding. weeping. Some say it's easier to kill yourself when you're seriously drunk. Mentally, it will always be easy for me. I get drunk, because it makes the final moments even more jolly and most of all, it seriously makes the death drugs more potent. A shame, it's even easier to do nothing. Stretching a little, the hits paining me, I notice that it rains again. I notice, I stretch the blade, it hurts and I smile. Dreaming of foreign wolves. If I stuck to those I've already lost, I'd drown. This keeps me doing that little no thing. Ne'ertehless, I feel I might just kill myself one eve on wher, because no matter the mess I leave behind and no matter how icky dextropropoxyphene tastes, suicide is still very beautiful... and I don't mind having a strong thing for Beauty. (January 1008) 9 I feel cold, but not heartless Solitude is loneliness Now we're even, gone with crud Pure at hearts even more odd You may be alone and well I alone in lonely.... there With our blood I'd us so dredge Knowing well, alone in blood, This is as good as it gets... I can stop this and just fade; To stay lonely, you just wait Or you want to make this quick Add some sugar, make me sick Just don't paint me with you blood Solitude is gone - I'm not Even so, the loneliness Covers less than lust made flesh... Though lone I heart you galore, I but ask, please please ignore... 10 Consult me if you want to O.D. 'snuff said - Temazepam and the Ocean Uni 20.2.1008 Avomeri, myrsky, pieni rahtilaiva. Kannelle paiskoutui vettä, olimme kiivenneet korkealle, jossa merenkäynti tuntui voimakkaalta. Hän kiipesi ylemmäs metallisille tasanteille sanoen jotain, jota en enää muista. Huusin "Ei, haluan tulla mukaan!", mutta hän valitsi eristäytyneisyyden ja hyppäsi. Tässä tilanteessa, tässä myrskyssä, tässä unessa, se oli yhtä kuin siinä. Myöhemmin maan kamaralla yritin kertoa x:lle tapahtuneesta. S oli tappanut itsensä minun nähden. x tuntui pitävän kertomustani kuvitelmana, hän ei halunnut uskoa, halusinkohan minäkään. En oikein tiennyt miten kertoa asiasta. Olisikohan pitänyt näin: "Moi, mä rakastan sun tyttöystävääsi"? 11 ? Say, how to cut a warplay out of a girl made of glass Surely not with chess art, shooting or a catmade gash Do you already have cat shot with fine spellbindings Already have snowblood running through your wings... I'd offer perfect chemistry, but it's all vile I gather you like broken feathers and then polypile I wouldn't want to paint over art (that is you) I wouldn't want you to paint (though that's not true) älä minua piirrä sillä mikäli piirrät, kuitenkin kuolet And it would Provide so vast sufferings (Even greater than what the morning brings) I'd be snowblood running through your heart-shaped wings Spots in fur, dichotomy and vernal equinox Some wolf, some fox, that's me of all the underdogs I'd love to respond to some paint with verbal equal mocks I wouldn't feel so empty this so damn full of drugs Is it me who so now clings; Do not believe in chemical offerings Believe solely in your own dark heart-shaped wings Fly as far as you can go from me For I would destroy you like a passerine Find a way to avoid me as well as you can Soon I'm gone, but first please cope with this damn älä minusta piirrä kun en minä sinun kuolemaasi toivo But I would love you every night and I would never lie This song contains all the lies I would ever imply But they are also true: I'd grind you to pieces And I don't know anymore what to say but some well-positioned pleases So should we capsize heavy drinks I'd let you be the songbird turned into a jinx If you let me be snowblood running through your black heart-shaped wingsss.... (too late Winter 1008) 12 Ghost Levels (Aaveiden filologiaa) Koraali Valonkantajani aaveille: Shakinkäynnin taito - Mind games, you say. And right you are for isn't the art of shoot glass chess too like that? She keeps on "One more!" Her excitement is about to reach lunatic heights. Obedience is well-claimed. I take the benzo derivative, one after another, bite just because, then devour. You cannot erase my 'emptiness', answer to which I mostly crave for. Figuraalisen musiikin, sodankäynnin tiede: You can't jump with me, 'cause you would fly Magister scribendi begone! Taideshakki, tiedesota: You dark pieces Rook, Dawn K, Magister Musicae Near Caern wyverns under the knights catch snowflakes on their tongues Kp, Rogue n, Magister Abbaci I believe he has a reason to kill me C, Magister Mathematicae O, Cat Mong (young) and paintstaking to the magical Novalis dreams It can be so very erotic: A girl telling me to take more, take more Like to cut deeper and meaningful lines only Tiedeshakki, taidesota: Us white pieces Love is schizophrenia R, Realm N, Charcoal With a promise to kill me at night K, Magister Ludi P, Winter B, Misty Q, Nova I want to fuck an animal like you Magister grammaticae to the ovens Shakinkäynnin tiede, sodankäynnin taito, shakinkäynnin taide More I take and more I fade - Maybe this won't kill me, but "It knocks you out and unconscious for sure... and you can only dream of what happens then!" Frontaalialue... "If your goddess tells you to die, will you?" ...hypnoosiin Sodankäynnin... Taide (March 1008) Ken vanhoja muistelee, sitä tikarilla sydämeen... 13 Wolf Summer Treehouse Promises Stab to the hearts of those who remnisce about ghosts... Love sure is murder And murder is love, too I want to murder myself In my love for you That's how I've written to my ghost far-from-lonely Between two loves craving for one crime only This is why an overdose of everclear and of a cry A cardful of lorazepam for the one still alive What, no. You are nothing like M! Yet you two nothing like the rest of them One my ghost, the other far from mine No kidnap stories and nothing serpentine Sure ghost and wolf both taste quite crunchy But now I concentrate solely(??!) on the nazi I'd never dare promise to no longer spy To love is to lose her who refuses to die But the dare, it was never the truth nor there "I've always wanted to tie my brother to a chair" She could be all the anomalies of light for me Drusilla-pronunciation and Ariosophy Love of the just and just is in truth She would ask "Do my socks taste good?" To make a good shadowpainting with typhoid in a ditch Would for once be that "cats, not kids" And speaking of ditching, of curse my words Are nothing but speculation of random dolly birds And the Reich, forget my bite, I know MANY of you Fascist, wolfist, whate'erst - so forget the sue... You could be anyone of those and still none Smart enough for a hunch, but no worth to see the light of some stupid sun My love, no - CRUSH, is to crush no one, especially not you I've got nothing to prove, but much to improve So many wolves and stars I know, you're already forgotten And this rune of a poem is so deeply very rotten Between two loves to defend us both Existing less magically than a hawk moth So calligraphy of Armanenschaft only for the laughs One day you'll look at me like I once did dead on the grass This is not blasphemy, not even therapy Just what I personally need to be me I cannot imagine me without imagining of a her I cannot imagine me... sober... Useless this, useless me, useful that cardful of drugs Begone, shoo, wolves, go away, I'm back for mine fox Haunt my treehouse more cantankerously than a fart Avenge transgressions and stop my heart! Promise me death with a (urameshiya) wailing roar And I promise to write you THIS much more: As I am now, once there were you I guess you loved - I loved you, too As you are now, so I shall be But why the fuck you did not die with me... (March 1008) 14 Lewd Animals (April 1008) "monet kaipaavat seksiä minä... tässä kaiken sen essenssi jos hän seksiä tahtoo, hänen on otettava sitä lupaa kysymättä enkä aio tehdä sitä helpoksi, mukavaksi & hyväksi siitä tulee niin mielisairasta ja raadollista kuin kykene...mme" Fireflies in his eyes with a yearning of two Asking should he be thirty forever, too Even if he steals death poetry from a tombstone I'm not sure why he's asking "why am I, WHY AM I still alone" "Safe life is for those who don't crave for more I want to be scared everyday and taken down on the floor Then turn around, still scared to death of her noxious eyes Pounce on her violently, for if she is to win, she has to win twice!" "Life this well-wearing, life this much, this whole Cannot last - it requires death, two-in-sole Existing much in this malady of a world makes me heave Only those who don't understand better want to live" You know who you love, and she also probably already knows "No, She's got no idea how many times I've painted her from wolvenears to... hmmm... wolfytoes" She doesn't? And you've done all THAT? (pretending) "Well... yeah" If that really is the case, you better get the hell out of here While you still can! "But I think she would understand... better" Neither way, you're fucked. Go. Go! Leave her, run for your own death. "Shit..." *considers, then places all the finished and unfinished poems on one pile, tries to gather some of his own thoughts among, the sets the stack on butane-flavoured fire* Let no one ever know! *Stares at the flames for a moment (for ain't it pretty when a Love is Lost in Flame like this?), then slowly, uncomfortably treads away (keeping something we don't see in his shadow)* No one... ever... know... "There, I think it's done, kind of" You've got rid of all the writings? "Um... I have" And whatever you do from now on, don't put anything in those grave lands of yours again, to let all the world to witness. You flush it. Don't flaunt it. Especially this kind of crap. "Ok"